Before I say anything else, let me tell you that I will ALWAYS be fat. I am what I am, and what I am is fat. Just the way it is.
But I am much less fat than I used to be. Here is a mega-unattractive picture of me taken Christmas Day 2004 when I was at my top weight. (I mean, at least I could have shown you a smiling picture, right?) I was diabetic, hypertensive, and it was sheer hell just trying to get around.
In 2005, at the behest of my beloved chiropractor, I started dieting even though I don't believe in dieting. I also decided to have adjustable lap band surgery because it is the only effective treatment for chronic obesity. The docs don't let you waltz in and get cut, however. You have to jump through hoops upon hoops of doctor visits, medical tests, psychiatric evals, and dammit, dieting. So I got started. I lost 75 pounds by February 2006; this picture was taken the night before the surgery.
The surgery went well - truly a simple outpatient procedure for me. But almost as soon as I got home, I left my husband. He HATED that I was losing weight; he wanted me to weigh 500 pounds and therefore lamented my shrinking form every time we had sex. While I loved having a man who was so attracted to me, I didn't want to have to be unhealthy to keep him. Plus we had other issues, too. In the end, my marriage crumbled like so many others - believe it or not, 80 percent of marriages fail after a spouse has weight loss surgery.
Last October, after meeting a knitter online who has also had lapband surgery, I decided to go back to the doctor and get my band filled. I've made the other necessary changes, too and have now lost that 50 pounds I'd gained. I am very grateful. To watch my progress, just compare the three sweaters I've made in the past six months (click on the image to see a larger view). Again, I'm still fat. Always will be. But I'm less fat and that's a good thing.
I'm a little concerned about writing today's post because I know some ample women despise weight loss surgery. If that's your case, know that I honor your opinion and wholy support fat acceptance.
But I need to do what I need to do - and I'm doing it. My goal? I'd like to lose another 50 pounds which is likely the most I can hope to lose; with weight loss surgery, the more you weigh when you start, the larger you'll be when you finish.
The doctor now regularly advocates for me to have a tummy tuck and breast lift. The point is not to be a bathing beauty but to help my back. A little unsure, I'm contemplating these next steps carefully. But even if I lose 50 more pounds and have these cosmetic procedures done, too, I'll still be a fat woman. It's just the way it is.
As I said, I am what I am. And no matter what my size, that's okay.