Tuesday, July 20, 2010

If I were King of the Knitting Forest

If I were King of the Forest - not queen, not duke, not prince -
My regal robes of the forest, would be satin, not cotton, not chintz
I'd command each thing, be it fish or fowl
With a woof and a woof and a royal growl!

I love Burt Lahr. And I love knitting. And I'd really love to be the King of the Knitting Forest. If I were king - not queen, not duke, not prince - I'd pronounce the following edicts:

1. All knitting needles will be stamped with their size, forever eliminating the ridiculous need for a knitting needle sizing thingy.


2. Berroco will never again hide important sweater details behind scarves and jewelry in the quest of artsy-fartsy images. While I like creative photography, I care far more about seeing every detail so I can imagine what a garment would look like on me. If the neckline doesn't show, I can't tell. Berroco's Cirilia Rose kindly photographed the collar of this pullover so I could see the detailing. By the way, Berroco is not the only offender here - Jared Flood and many others do it, too. In my kingdom, form definitely follows function.



3. Every knitwear designer in the world will fully recognize that NOTHING smaller than a 52-inch bust size qualifies as plus size. Don't kid yourself, Sharon Brant (et al), author of the supposedly plus-sized Knitting Goes Large. In the United States, 48 inches is barely even chubby. Ample knitters disdain your feeble efforts to design for larger women. You don't even have a clue.


4. A patient and kind arithmetic teacher/knitter will be hired to give free math lessons to me and any one else who would needs to figure out equally spaced increases and decreases without inducing a migraine.

5. All ample knitters will be required to summon the courage to knit sweaters that fit their forms. Free classes will be offered to teach such techniques, and grant applications will be accepted for those who cannot afford the $100+ needed to knit a wool sweater. My intent: to emancipate women who hide behind mittens, scarves, hats, scarves, and baby clothes because they're too afraid to make garments for themselves. (By the way, the following photo doesn't have a thing to do with anything. I just love the pug. And no, it's not Moosie.)


6. While we're at it, all yarn stores will be required to give a 25% volume discount to ample knitters who buy twice as much yarn are their skinny compatriots. We deserve a break today - and not at McDonalds! Webs gets it but no one else does - which is why Webs is royally kicking the ass of local yarn stores.

7. In my kingdom, cashmere will be cheap and acrylic will be expensive. Now really, doesn't that inherently make sense to you? :-)


7 comments:

  1. This post says it all!
    I'm all for #5. But 'hide behind'?! No I am not hiding. When I think of knitting socks and hats and scarves I am not hiding,just working out some built up frustration and knitting a quick, satisfying FO before cranking my blood pressure sky high again trying to finish an ample sweater that FITS!

    I adore some of those 'vintage' irish knits and other sweaters marked 'vintage' by Mrs.Bernat..you know those patterns found in Leisure Arts ?
    But a mere 'large' runs small and a woman wearing a 46 would actually find it snug.
    I wonder what the every day ordinary mere 'plus' woman (there were big women back then, ya know)did for knitting? Did she modify? Did she just sew?

    In browsing patterns on Patternfish I see a lot of poses , accessories and hair coverups which make one think the photographer was intentionally covering up something. I hate it when one looks at a pattern and all they can see is the gorgeous hair or the beautiful scarf or the deliberate angle-pose which cuts out the baggy upper sleeve , waistline or wonky button band.

    Speaking of photos..Beware of Lion Brand Patterns..always check the FO reviews after you admire the pattern..I wanted to knit this one...until I read the reviews of the Lion Brand knitters and absence of Rav knitters' comments on such a potentially good ample garment.. Too bad..it would make a nice fall jacket . Great molding shoulder pads on the model under the sweater, though.

    http://www.lionbrand.com/cgi-bin/patternRating.cgi?showReview=1&itemKey=1922239972&r=1

    And don't ya just love the artistic effort here? Just stick a head on a sweater..doesn't even matter whether or not it fits right on a neck.

    http://www.lionbrand.com/patterns/20110AD.html?noImages=

    I think I will go finish my Port Orford which has been hibernating for a while, and then launch into faux cable socks...for a while.
    t_a

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  2. I am with you on all counts. I just want the hard worked on item to fit. Thankfully I have an older sister that can where most.

    Tonya

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  3. where can I vote for Julie as king? I´d do it immediately! :)
    gila

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  4. Thanks everyone! Teresa, I know you don't hide behind small projects... I just want to emancipate those who do. Also, the Lion Brand links appear to be broken (they have a really screwy web architecture according to me, the web designer). Could you send me the name of the sweater or something?

    Craftygurl, I wish I had an older sister who could help me make things fit... I'm green with envy.

    And Gila, thank you. I'm going to point at you whenever someone says who died and made you king? ;-)

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  5. Teresa, those patterns from Lion Brand are unbelievable! I really liked the cashmere one but ouch... did you see the link to the garment at the very bottom of the comments page? It shows a short lavender sweater that doesn't look a thing like the pretty white one and yet it is. This is another reason I love Ravelry which lets me see how patterns look and fit as knitted up by amateur knitters.

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  6. One reason I love Addi needles is that the size is permanently written upon them.

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